30 Days of Gratitude Day Thirteen

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

We are continuing our 30 Days of Gratitude!  If you missed the scoop about why we’re celebrating, be sure to check out Episode One.  Yesterday, we talked about how to be grateful for your family.  Today, we’re going to be discussing Day Thirteen’s topic: I-95.

Today’ I’m gonna testify.  I’m going to read an excerpt from my book, and I’m gonna show you how amazing God really is.

“So…  Today is the day that I give you a glimpse into one of my suicide attempts.  NO shame.  ***DISCLAIMER*** Please do not try this at home.  This is my personal testimony, and I am sharing it strictly for that purpose.  I will not be held liable for any attempt to replicate this situation or any other situation mentioned in this book.

Here we go.

I was nineteen years old.  I was dealing with a lot of brokenness and rejection.  I didn’t seem to be good enough for anyone in my life, and I was constantly being verbally abused all in the name of “holiness” and “living right”.  I didn’t seem to fit in, and I was constantly being stabbed in the back by people in my life, yet my need for love seemed to keep me going around the same circles with these same people… because hey, somehow, they really loved me… right?

I digress.

So, I was leaving a church service.  I won’t go into the details of what happened in the service, but let’s just say that I was publicly bashed by several people.  I was angry, hurt, disappointed, and so much more.  I remember driving down the highway with hot tears streaming down my face, and I remember telling God that this was it.  I was at the end of my rope.  I had done all I knew to do, and nothing had worked.  I had never felt so lost in all of my life.

I remember driving down the road and looking in the rear view mirror and seeing a silhouette of a man sitting in the back of my car.  I’ll never forget what I heard his voice say.  He said, “You really should go into that oncoming traffic over there.  No one will care.  They won’t even look for you.  You don’t matter to anyone but yourself.”  Over and over again, that’s what I heard.

The tears grew hotter and fell faster… more and more… more and more.  The voice intensified.  I wanted to scream, but the scream never made it past my throat.  My car started to go faster and faster.  I wanted someone, anyone… to help me… but there was nothing I could say.  My car went even faster.

I remember telling myself that the only way I’d be able to stop this fight in my mind would be to just end my life.  I wasn’t sold on the idea because I wondered what would happen if I died but the fight continued… so I kept driving.  I looked down at my speedometer.  104 miles per hour.  Driving down I-95.

I saw a weigh station up ahead, and I knew that a lot of transfer trucks would be coming onto the highway…  I began to veer over from one lane to the next lane.  I paid no attention to whether or not any cars were coming up behind me.  I just changed lanes.  From the far lane on my side, I just had to pick a good time to go over to the other side of the highway.

I remember thinking about everyone that I was about to leave behind, and all I could think about was the fact that so many people had treated me so badly…  I was a KID.  I didn’t know what I was doing in life.  I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone.  I wasn’t trying to cause anyone any trouble.  I just had a hard time figuring things out sometimes.  That was all.  More tears.

“Okay.  This is it.  Whatever happens, happens.”  I let go.

I let go of the steering wheel.  I let go of my emotions.  I let the tears fall.  I let the screams come out.  I begged God to forgive me and to let me “make it in” even though I was going about it in this terrible and catastrophic manner.  My car began to shift to the left.  I went over the rumble strips.  I went into the shoulder.  I went into the grass.

My car slowed down.

I pressed the gas….  I stomped on the gas pedal.  My car kept slowing down.  There I was…  In the grass…  at a complete stop.  I looked up and saw all of the transfer trucks coming.  I could see a few of the drivers’ faces.  They were slowing down a little bit to make sure that I was okay.

I got out of the car…  I kicked it…  and I cried.  I cried out all of the tears that I had been holding in that day.  I cried because I wanted to die.  I cried because I wanted to live.  I cried because I was tired of the pain.  I cried because I wanted things to change.  I cried because I thought I was crazy.  I cried because I was still alive…  I cried because I didn’t know what to do.  I screamed.  I punched my car.  I cried.

Standing there on that grass, I realized something.  I realized that God was with me.  I realized that my life had been spared.  And then, I REALLY cried.  I cried because I had been given another chance.

That wasn’t my last suicide attempt, but it was one of the ones that allowed me to see and understand that God is greater than anything we face, and that when God speaks life, all you can do is LIVE.  You can’t go before your time.  God will ALWAYS intervene.   I wanted to die that night.  God didn’t want me to.  I didn’t.”

God is real.  When you hear me telling you stuff, remember that I’m not just some random person out here trying to get a social media following.  I’m a real person telling you about a real God.  And on that note, I’m out. Have an amazing day today.  Show love to yourself AND others.   Be GREAT!  I speak life to you and everyone and everything connected to you!  Catch me tomorrow!

XOXO,

Na’Kole ♥