INspiration

What a year.

I literally have no other words to describe the rollercoaster that has been 2020. More than anything, I AM super grateful that I survived to tell this wonderful, beautiful story. I didn’t think that would be the case initially.

I’m going to try to be as concise as possible because honey, it would take a whole year to truly recap what has happened this year. If you need clarity, insight or tea on anything mentioned, feel free to reach out!

Here we go!

Going into 2020:

I started struggling really bad with my monthly cycles in September. “Bad” as in being about to pass out with every cycle. In November, I started taking birth control to curb the bleeding. It made the bleeding worse. “Worse” as in I bled two-three times as much. I was told that this was normal. An increase in bleeding is normal.  The amount of blood I was losing was not normal.

December grew worse. I started getting weaker and weaker. I was in a relationship with a toxic, narcissistic and abusive person – and that relationship was literally killing me.

I set my intention that my word for 2020 would be BOUNDARIES. That word saved my life. I mean this literally.

I’m going to give you a few highlights from each quarter of 2020, and then I’m going to talk to you about what is changing in my life and business moving forward.

Q1: January, February, March

• Went to emergency room – septic shock.
• Diagnosed with sepsis and a fibroid that was dying and poisoning me.
• Needed down payment for surgery, did not have it.
• Due to the severity of my situation, my doctor and my surgeon decided to schedule the surgery and waive the down payment. Grace.
• I bled from November 20th to March 8th (the day before my surgery). ALL. DAY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
• Had surgery. Major surgery removing fibroids, my uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix and part of my colon.
• Six-day hospital stay. I went in on a Monday and the world was one way; I came out on a Saturday and the world had changed. Toilet paper gone. People in a frenzy. I had no idea how to process what was happening because it all happened while I was secluded in a hospital room.
• I had to quarantine for two weeks. When I came out of quarantine, the stay at home orders began. 
• I finished up The Ultimate Suicide Prevention Guide from my hospital bed. It is and will remain my pride and joy for this reason. If you don’t have it, you definitely need it. I can’t think of a person in the world who does not need it. Seriously.

Q2: April, May, June

• I officially released The Ultimate Suicide Prevention Guide.
• I escaped from the toxic relationship mentioned above. I did not escape from the person, but I did break the person’s hold over me. Sometimes you can set a boundary that keeps you safe without having to remove the person from your life. Other times, you need to get rid of the person completely. Trust your intuition when it comes to this. It won’t lead you wrong.
• I began to enjoy my new life that was free of almost bleeding to death every month.
• I started reclaiming my power and exploring who I wanted to be post-COVID.
• I started to see how much the trauma of the abusive relationship (and all the previous abusive relationships) had caused me and decided to enter trauma therapy. Such a great decision.

Q3: July, August, September

• Took the time to grieve 2020. Realized that I would not be able to have the birthday celebration that I wanted. Grieved the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see loved ones as much (if at all) during the holidays. Grieved the fact that I would more than likely be in the house all winter with limited physical interaction. Grieved it all in advance so that I wouldn’t be sad and depressed around special times in my life.
• Reconnected with someone who is now my absolute best friend (besides BoomBoom of course lol). She has helped me get through so many things. She held space for me to grieve, to be angry, to be confused, to make mistakes and to have questions. She supported me and became the anchor I needed to keep me from drifting away and getting lost in and ultimately consumed by the storm I had to sit through in order to pick back up and travel to the shores of my next place in life. I will always love her for that!
• I learned a lot of lessons about myself. I learned how messed up my life had become – and I learned how messed up my heart had become. I put a plan in place to pull myself together.
• My mentor passed away. Cici, The Six Figure Chick. She had gone into the hospital at the beginning of August. She bought us coffee at the beginning of the week. Checked on us at the end of the week. Died at the end of the week. Crushed me. 
• Celebrating my birthday!!! 36 years of me! I had one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time. I got to get away and fly the friendly skies (on Delta Airlines, with the middle seat blocked and the plane at half capacity). My birthday was a sacred time that will always live privately in my heart. It was so amazing, and it really changed me for the better.

Q4: October, November, December

• Made some painful decisions. 
• I decided to let go of pretty much everything that was connected to my grandma being gone (My grandma passed away on 12/15/2010). I had formed so many relationships around that loss – relationships that were really trauma bonds or instances of me subconsciously seeking to be abused because that was all I thought I deserved. I decided to let it all go.
• I decided to move out of North Carolina to a different place than originally planned. (I was supposed to move to Florida in Q2… but the RoRo among other things canceled all of that because honey… whew)
• I decided to live my life specifically and exclusively for me.
• I decided to no longer offer free services. Since slavery (and maybe even before), the world has canibalized the labor of Black women. We are expected to fix everyone and everything and hardly ever does anyone reach back to even buy us a cup of coffee and some cushions to put in our shoes. I’m through living that life. I have a whole IG post about this, so be sure to read it if you want to know more about what I mean.
• I joined Clubhouse and it immediately changed my life and broadened my horizons. Like, immediately.
• I made it, y’all! I made it. 

My top three lessons of 2020:

• One thing I have realized about people, and especially those who are strongly affiliated with religious institutions and political parties, is that a lot of these people aren’t friends with YOU. They don’t love YOU. They love your participation in their thing. They love your assimilation to their people group. 

They don’t love you. 

That’s why it’s so easy for them to walk away from you when you don’t believe like them, act like them or talk like them. 

In 2020, I have learned that true love doesn’t abandon people who are in its care. True love doesn’t reject people who seek to see life from a lens other than the one they were given in their youth. True love makes room for questions, doubts and differences of opinion (on things other than the humanity of marginalized people). 

I have learned that a lot of people who claimed to love me really didn’t love ME at all. And I can prove it by telling you that after they completely abandoned me, “reconciliation” only came when I stepped back into their world and apologized for stepping out of it. 

That ain’t love.

• When something has served its purpose, let it go. There doesn’t have to be an upset. You don’t have to come up with a story to make yourself feel better about it. It doesn’t have to be anything bad. It doesn’t have to be that someone else “isn’t qualified to go where you are going”. It can literally just be that the thing has served its purpose and completed its assignment in your life. It has done all it came to do. Just let it go.

• Abusers are abusers. It’s okay to call them abusers. It’s okay to name their actions as abuse. You don’t have to cover up the word “abuse” with  “lost his/her/their temper” or “could have done better” or “made a bad decision” or “hurt my feelings”. It is okay to say “You abused me” or “You were abusive to me” or “I refuse to allow you to continue to abuse me”. Failure to do so could cost you more than what you’re willing to pay. It is okay to do like Iyanla says and “call a thing a thing”. 

What I’m releasing/letting go

• The need to maintain relationships that no longer serve me for the sake of having “long-time friends”. I’ll pass. I accept the fact that not all friends are meant to walk with me through my whole life. I have and feel no guilt around that.
• The fences I built around myself to keep myself safe. Because I feel safe within myself, I no longer have to barricade myself within my own mind and keep myself from pursuing opportunities because of the fear of rejection. I recognize that I have deprived myself from a lot of things because I felt like deprivation was all I deserved. I no longer feel that way.

• My previous business model. Next year, I’m focusing on consulting, joint ventures, courses and digital products. 

• Anything that doesn’t serve me. And by anything, I mean ANYthing. Friends, relationships, housing situations, whatever it is. If it doesn’t serve my highest good, I release it so that it may go serve another purpose in another place.

What I’m calling forth/embracing

• ME. I’m calling forth the person I was destined to be. I’m embracing who I AM. I’m embracing the goodness I possess. I’m embracing my brilliance. My worth. My power.

• MONEY! I’m charging all the money for all the things I do. No explanation needed. I almost went into a whole paragraph but Walmart doesn’t explain why they charge what they charge, and neither will I! Just know I’m calling forth and embracing these good coins, bills, cryptocurrency and everything else that is money!
• New opportunities. I’m calling forth new opportunities every day. New opportunities to make an impact. New opportunities to be seen and heard by those who need to see and hear my message. New opportunities to build new things that will work for the highest good of myself and my community.

My word for 2021: BETTER

I was doing some reading, and I happened to come across a scripture in the Book of Ezekiel. Ezekiel has always been my favorite prophet. Always. I even named my first houseplant after him.

I’ll let you read it to get the full tea of what was going on, but here’s what Ezekiel wrote down after hearing from God:

“Prophesy therefore concerning the land of Israel, and say unto the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys, Thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I have spoken in my jealousy and in my fury, because ye have borne the shame of the heathen: ⁷ Therefore thus saith the Lord God; I have lifted up mine hand, Surely the heathen that are about you, they shall bear their shame. ⁸ But ye, O mountains of Israel, ye shall shoot forth your branches, and yield your fruit to my people of Israel; for they are at hand to come. ⁹ For, behold, I am for you, and I will turn unto you, and ye shall be tilled and sown: ¹⁰ And I will multiply men upon you, all the house of Israel, even all of it: and the cities shall be inhabited, and the wastes shall be builded: ¹¹ And I will multiply upon you man and beast; and they shall increase and bring fruit: and I will settle you after your old estates, and will do better unto you than at your beginnings: and ye shall know that I am the Lord.”

Listen. That hit a place in me that hasn’t been hit in a long time. God literally said to Ezekiel, “Tell those people that I’m going to do BETTER to them. That’s how they’ll know that I’m God. Cuz I’m gonna do BETTER.” Not “I’m going to send better” or “I’m gonna touch someone’s heart and allow them to do better to you than the last person did”. Nope. Skip all of that. I, GOD, WILL DO BETTER TO YOU THAN WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO YOU AT YOUR BEGINNING. Before the abuse. Before the shame. Before the worms and parasites came and ate up your stuff. I’m gonna do BETTER. Personally.

Let’s look at some other translations because I know we need more than the King James Version to really drive this home.

The Message breaks it down like this:

“Therefore prophesy over the land of Israel, preach to the mountains and hills, to every ditch and valley: ‘The Message of God, the Master: Look! Listen! I’m angry—and I care. I’m speaking to you because you’ve been humiliated among the nations. Therefore I, God, the Master, am telling you that I’ve solemnly sworn that the nations around you are next. It’s their turn to be humiliated. ^8-12 “‘But you, Mountains of Israel, will burst with new growth, putting out branches and bearing fruit for my people Israel. My people are coming home! Do you see? I’m back again. I’m on your side. You’ll be plowed and planted as before! I’ll see to it that your population grows all over Israel, that the towns fill up with people, that the ruins are rebuilt. I’ll make this place teem with life—human and animal. The country will burst into life, life, and more life, your towns and villages full of people just as in the old days. I’ll treat you better than I ever have. And you’ll realize that I am God.

Okay, now let’s look at the specific verse I’m decreeing over my year, Ezekiel 36:11.

English Standard Version: “And I will multiply on you man and beast, and they shall multiply and be fruitful. And I will cause you to be inhabited as in your former times, and will do more good to you than ever before. Then you will know that I am the Lord.”

The Amplified Bible: “I will multiply on you man and animal; and they will increase and be fruitful. And I will cause you to be inhabited as you were formerly, and I will do better [things] for you than at your beginning. Then you will know [with great confidence] that I am the Lord.”

So what does this mean for me??? It means that:

• I’m going to have more clients/customers than I’ve ever had because God is going to multiply them.
• I’m going to have even more clients/customers than those customers because those customers are going to be fruitful and refer other clients/customers to me.
• My sales pipelines will all be full.
• My courses and programs will be full and fruitful.
• I will have a community of people as I did previously (before the abuse).
• God is going to do better to me than God has ever done before.
• My life is going to be better.
• My health is going to be better.
• My eating habits are going to be better.
• My relationships are going to be better.
• My exercise regimen is going to be better.
• My living conditions are going to be better.
• The car I drive is going to be better.
• My confidence is going to be better.
• My speaking will be better.
• My business strategy will be better.
• The way I serve customers and clients will be better.
• EVERYTHING about ME will be BETTER!

It’s BETTER for me! 

And guess what, I’m believing for BETTER for you, too! I ain’t trying to be the only one out here with better!

What are you speaking over your 2021? What do you want to see? Now is the time to go ahead and set it in motion. Now is the time to speak what you wish to see and EXPECT it to happen BETTER than what you could have ever envisioned.

Don’t let what didn’t happen in 2020 keep you from what could absolutely happen in 2021. Expect better. 

XOXO,

Na’Kole  

What a year.

 

I literally have no other words to describe the rollercoaster that has been 2020. More than anything, I AM super grateful that I survived to tell this wonderful, beautiful story. I didn’t think that would be the case initially.

 

I’m going to try to be as concise as possible because honey, it would take a whole year to truly recap what has happened this year. If you need clarity, insight or tea on anything mentioned, feel free to reach out!

 

Here we go!

 

Going into 2020:

 

I started struggling really bad with my monthly cycles in September. “Bad” as in being about to pass out with every cycle. In November, I started taking birth control to curb the bleeding. It made the bleeding worse. “Worse” as in I bled two-three times as much. I was told that this was normal. An increase in bleeding is normal.  The amount of blood I was losing was not normal.

 

December grew worse. I started getting weaker and weaker. I was in a relationship with a toxic, narcissistic and abusive person – and that relationship was literally killing me.

 

I set my intention that my word for 2020 would be BOUNDARIES. That word saved my life. I mean this literally.

 

I’m going to give you a few highlights from each quarter of 2020, and then I’m going to talk to you about what is changing in my life and business moving forward.

 

Q1: January, February, March

• Went to emergency room – septic shock.
• Diagnosed with sepsis and a fibroid that was dying and poisoning me.
• Needed down payment for surgery, did not have it.
• Due to the severity of my situation, my doctor and my surgeon decided to schedule the surgery and waive the down payment. Grace.
• I bled from November 20th to March 8th (the day before my surgery). ALL. DAY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
• Had surgery. Major surgery removing fibroids, my uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix and part of my colon.
• Six-day hospital stay. I went in on a Monday and the world was one way; I came out on a Saturday and the world had changed. Toilet paper gone. People in a frenzy. I had no idea how to process what was happening because it all happened while I was secluded in a hospital room.
• I had to quarantine for two weeks. When I came out of quarantine, the stay at home orders began. 
• I finished up The Ultimate Suicide Prevention Guide from my hospital bed. It is and will remain my pride and joy for this reason. If you don’t have it, you definitely need it. I can’t think of a person in the world who does not need it. Seriously.

 

Q2: April, May, June

• I officially released The Ultimate Suicide Prevention Guide.
• I escaped from the toxic relationship mentioned above. I did not escape from the person, but I did break the person’s hold over me. Sometimes you can set a boundary that keeps you safe without having to remove the person from your life. Other times, you need to get rid of the person completely. Trust your intuition when it comes to this. It won’t lead you wrong.
• I began to enjoy my new life that was free of almost bleeding to death every month.
• I started reclaiming my power and exploring who I wanted to be post-COVID.
• I started to see how much the trauma of the abusive relationship (and all the previous abusive relationships) had caused me and decided to enter trauma therapy. Such a great decision.

 

Q3: July, August, September

• Took the time to grieve 2020. Realized that I would not be able to have the birthday celebration that I wanted. Grieved the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see loved ones as much (if at all) during the holidays. Grieved the fact that I would more than likely be in the house all winter with limited physical interaction. Grieved it all in advance so that I wouldn’t be sad and depressed around special times in my life.
• Reconnected with someone who is now my absolute best friend (besides BoomBoom of course lol). She has helped me get through so many things. She held space for me to grieve, to be angry, to be confused, to make mistakes and to have questions. She supported me and became the anchor I needed to keep me from drifting away and getting lost in and ultimately consumed by the storm I had to sit through in order to pick back up and travel to the shores of my next place in life. I will always love her for that!
• I learned a lot of lessons about myself. I learned how messed up my life had become – and I learned how messed up my heart had become. I put a plan in place to pull myself together.
• My mentor passed away. Cici, The Six Figure Chick. She had gone into the hospital at the beginning of August. She bought us coffee at the beginning of the week. Checked on us at the end of the week. Died at the end of the week. Crushed me. 
• Celebrating my birthday!!! 36 years of me! I had one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time. I got to get away and fly the friendly skies (on Delta Airlines, with the middle seat blocked and the plane at half capacity). My birthday was a sacred time that will always live privately in my heart. It was so amazing, and it really changed me for the better.

 

Q4: October, November, December

• Made some painful decisions. 
• I decided to let go of pretty much everything that was connected to my grandma being gone (My grandma passed away on 12/15/2010). I had formed so many relationships around that loss – relationships that were really trauma bonds or instances of me subconsciously seeking to be abused because that was all I thought I deserved. I decided to let it all go.
• I decided to move out of North Carolina to a different place than originally planned. (I was supposed to move to Florida in Q2… but the RoRo among other things canceled all of that because honey… whew)
• I decided to live my life specifically and exclusively for me.
• I decided to no longer offer free services. Since slavery (and maybe even before), the world has canibalized the labor of Black women. We are expected to fix everyone and everything and hardly ever does anyone reach back to even buy us a cup of coffee and some cushions to put in our shoes. I’m through living that life. I have a whole IG post about this, so be sure to read it if you want to know more about what I mean.
• I joined Clubhouse and it immediately changed my life and broadened my horizons. Like, immediately.
• I made it, y’all! I made it. 

 

My top three lessons of 2020:

• One thing I have realized about people, and especially those who are strongly affiliated with religious institutions and political parties, is that a lot of these people aren’t friends with YOU. They don’t love YOU. They love your participation in their thing. They love your assimilation to their people group. They don’t love you. That’s why it’s so easy for them to walk away from you when you don’t believe like them, act like them or talk like them.  In 2020, I have learned that true love doesn’t abandon people who are in its care. True love doesn’t reject people who seek to see life from a lens other than the one they were given in their youth. True love makes room for questions, doubts and differences of opinion (on things other than the humanity of marginalized people). I have learned that a lot of people who claimed to love me really didn’t love ME at all. And I can prove it by telling you that after they completely abandoned me, “reconciliation” only came when I stepped back into their world and apologized for stepping out of it. That ain’t love.

• When something has served its purpose, let it go. There doesn’t have to be an upset. You don’t have to come up with a story to make yourself feel better about it. It doesn’t have to be anything bad. It doesn’t have to be that someone else “isn’t qualified to go where you are going”. It can literally just be that the thing has served its purpose and completed its assignment in your life. It has done all it came to do. Just let it go.

• Abusers are abusers. It’s okay to call them abusers. It’s okay to name their actions as abuse. You don’t have to cover up the word “abuse” with  “lost his/her/their temper” or “could have done better” or “made a bad decision” or “hurt my feelings”. It is okay to say “You abused me” or “You were abusive to me” or “I refuse to allow you to continue to abuse me”. Failure to do so could cost you more than what you’re willing to pay. It is okay to do like Iyanla says and “call a thing a thing”. 

 

What I’m releasing/letting go

• The need to maintain relationships that no longer serve me for the sake of having “long-time friends”. I’ll pass. I accept the fact that not all friends are meant to walk with me through my whole life. I have and feel no guilt around that.

• The fences I built around myself to keep myself safe. Because I feel safe within myself, I no longer have to barricade myself within my own mind and keep myself from pursuing opportunities because of the fear of rejection. I recognize that I have deprived myself from a lot of things because I felt like deprivation was all I deserved. I no longer feel that way.

• My previous business model. Next year, I’m focusing on consulting, joint ventures, courses and digital products. 

• Anything that doesn’t serve me. And by anything, I mean ANYthing. Friends, relationships, housing situations, whatever it is. If it doesn’t serve my highest good, I release it so that it may go serve another purpose in another place.

 

What I’m calling forth/embracing

• ME. I’m calling forth the person I was destined to be. I’m embracing who I AM. I’m embracing the goodness I possess. I’m embracing my brilliance. My worth. My power.

• MONEY! I’m charging all the money for all the things I do. No explanation needed. I almost went into a whole paragraph but Walmart doesn’t explain why they charge what they charge, and neither will I! Just know I’m calling forth and embracing these good coins, bills, cryptocurrency and everything else that is money!

• New opportunities. I’m calling forth new opportunities every day. New opportunities to make an impact. New opportunities to be seen and heard by those who need to see and hear my message. New opportunities to build new things that will work for the highest good of myself and my community.

 

My word for 2021: BETTER

I was doing some reading, and I happened to come across a scripture in the Book of Ezekiel. Ezekiel has always been my favorite prophet. Always. I even named my first houseplant after him.

I’ll let you read it to get the full tea of what was going on, but here’s what Ezekiel wrote down after hearing from God:

“Prophesy therefore concerning the land of Israel, and say unto the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys, Thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I have spoken in my jealousy and in my fury, because ye have borne the shame of the heathen: 7 Therefore thus saith the Lord God; I have lifted up mine hand, Surely the heathen that are about you, they shall bear their shame. 8 But ye, O mountains of Israel, ye shall shoot forth your branches, and yield your fruit to my people of Israel; for they are at hand to come. 9 For, behold, I am for you, and I will turn unto you, and ye shall be tilled and sown: 10 And I will multiply men upon you, all the house of Israel, even all of it: and the cities shall be inhabited, and the wastes shall be builded: 11 And I will multiply upon you man and beast; and they shall increase and bring fruit: and I will settle you after your old estates, and will do better unto you than at your beginnings: and ye shall know that I am the Lord.”

Listen. That hit a place in me that hasn’t been hit in a long time. God literally said to Ezekiel, “Tell those people that I’m going to do BETTER to them. That’s how they’ll know that I’m God. Cuz I’m gonna do BETTER.” Not “I’m going to send better” or “I’m gonna touch someone’s heart and allow them to do better to you than the last person did”. Nope. Skip all of that. I, GOD, WILL DO BETTER TO YOU THAN WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO YOU AT YOUR BEGINNING. Before the abuse. Before the shame. Before the worms and parasites came and ate up your stuff. I’m gonna do BETTER. Personally.

Let’s look at some other translations because I know we need more than the King James Version to really drive this home.

The Message breaks it down like this:

“Therefore prophesy over the land of Israel, preach to the mountains and hills, to every ditch and valley: ‘The Message of God, the Master: Look! Listen! I’m angry—and I care. I’m speaking to you because you’ve been humiliated among the nations. Therefore I, God, the Master, am telling you that I’ve solemnly sworn that the nations around you are next. It’s their turn to be humiliated. But you, Mountains of Israel, will burst with new growth, putting out branches and bearing fruit for my people Israel. My people are coming home! Do you see? I’m back again. I’m on your side. You’ll be plowed and planted as before! I’ll see to it that your population grows all over Israel, that the towns fill up with people, that the ruins are rebuilt. I’ll make this place teem with life—human and animal. The country will burst into life, life, and more life, your towns and villages full of people just as in the old days. I’ll treat you better than I ever have. And you’ll realize that I am God.'”

Okay, now let’s look at the specific verse I’m decreeing over my year, Ezekiel 36:11.

English Standard Version: “And I will multiply on you man and beast, and they shall multiply and be fruitful. And I will cause you to be inhabited as in your former times, and will do more good to you than ever before. Then you will know that I am the Lord.”

The Amplified Bible: “I will multiply on you man and animal; and they will increase and be fruitful. And I will cause you to be inhabited as you were formerly, and I will do better [things] for you than at your beginning. Then you will know [with great confidence] that I am the Lord.”

So what does this mean for me??? It means that:

• I’m going to have more clients/customers than I’ve ever had because God is going to multiply them.
• I’m going to have even more clients/customers than those customers because those customers are going to be fruitful and refer other clients/customers to me.
• My sales pipelines will all be full.
• My courses and programs will be full and fruitful.
• I will have a community of people as I did previously (before the abuse).
• God is going to do better to me than God has ever done before.
• My life is going to be better.
• My health is going to be better.
• My eating habits are going to be better.
• My relationships are going to be better.
• My exercise regimen is going to be better.
• My living conditions are going to be better.
• The car I drive is going to be better.
• My confidence is going to be better.
• My speaking will be better.
• My business strategy will be better.
• The way I serve customers and clients will be better.
• EVERYTHING about ME will be BETTER!

It’s BETTER for me! 

And guess what, I’m believing for BETTER for you, too! I ain’t trying to be the only one out here with better!

What are you speaking over your 2021? What do you want to see? Now is the time to go ahead and set it in motion. Now is the time to speak what you wish to see and EXPECT it to happen BETTER than what you could have ever envisioned.

Don’t let what didn’t happen in 2020 keep you from what could absolutely happen in 2021. Expect better. 

 

XOXO,

Na’Kole  

 

My mind goes back to December of 2010. It was cold outside, and Christmas was definitely in the air. I was on my way to a pizza party that I was throwing for the youth choir at my church (at the time), and I got a phone call. Long story short, my grandma (who raised me and was literally my best friend) had passed away… ten before Christmas. You already know how it goes. I was devastated, and it basically cancelled Christmas for me. Every time I heard Christmas music, I cried. EVERYTHING brought back memories of her. It was terrible. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure… but I endured it. I made it through.

If you’re reading this, you are more than likely experiencing the first holiday without someone you hold dear to you heart. Maybe it’s not your first one. Maybe it’s your second. Or third. Or twentieth. Regardless of the number, please know that my heart, thoughts and prayers are definitely with you. At the end of this blog, I’m gonna post some additional resources that will help you through your grief process. The process is different for everybody, so don’t ever feel bad if your grief doesn’t line up exactly with any of the resources you read. It doesn’t have to. You are an individual having an individual experience. That’s perfectly okay.

Now, on to the business. I want to share with you a few things that will help make things easier for you during the holiday season. If you have additional coping methods to share, please feel free to do so in the comments.

Number One: Realize that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.

We are often made to believe that “negative” emotions are “bad”. Showing any type of remorse or sorrow or general sadness is often looked at as a “weakness” or something that we should not possess. Please allow me to dispel that myth and hammer some truth on top of that lie. It is perfectly okay to miss your loved one. It is perfectly okay to be sad about the fact that your loved one is no longer here in the physical realm. It is perfectly okay to not feel your best. It’s okay. Those feelings are natural. Should you drown in them? No. Should you use them as an excuse to treat people badly or make people pay for how you’re feeling? Absolutely not. However, it is perfectly okay to have feelings of loss, sorrow, sadness, etc. You’re a human being with a heart full of love. Don’t beat yourself up about how you feel. Of course your loved one who has gone on would want you to be happy, but I also believe that your loved one would also be understanding of the fact that grief is truly a process. I can’t imagine leaving this physical plane and NO ONE missing me. That would be terrible. It’s good to have lived a life that causes people to miss you when you’re no longer here. That’s an amazing accomplishment. Don’t be too hard on yourself about how you feel. It’s okay. And if you’re overly happy (genuinely), that’s okay, too! It’s okay to want to enjoy yourself and have a good time in spite of your loss. That’s okay. That brings me to my next point, perfectly.

Number Two: Allow your emotions to remain IN MOTION.

Emotions are meant to show us where we are and how we are really perceiving and dealing with what is going on in our lives. Our emotions are our teachers. They show us how we react to things. They show us what is near and dear to us, and what has the power to affect us. There is nothing wrong with having emotions — they are a part of our nature. The problem comes in when we do not allow our emotions to remain in motion. When we don’t let our emotions stay in motion, we begin to act out of character. We begin to live in our emotions and not in the place of peace and balance that we were created to live in. When you feel those waves of sadness, feel them. Feel them deeply. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. Are you sad because of the loss? Are you sad because of regret? Are you sad because you feel like you have to be sad? Are you feeling guilty about not being sad? Do you feel like you don’t have the right to be happy? What’s going on? What are you really feeling? All of these things are lessons that you are to learn from your emotions. Once you figure out why you feel the way you feel, let your emotions pass. Let them go. Don’t allow them to fester or begin to dominate and dictate your behavior. Whether it’s a good emotion or a bad one, feel it and LET IT GO.

Number Three: Match each sad moment with a happy/fun memory.

It is very important to realize that you have the power to shift your experience. Just because you have a bad moment doesn’t mean that your whole day is ruined. Just because you burst into tears while making the macaroni and cheese doesn’t mean you have to cancel the whole holiday. Just allow that emotion to remain in motion and make the conscious decision to follow that sad moment with a happy memory. That is the quickest way to regain your momentum and continue on with your holiday happiness.

Number Four: Incorporate a spiritual practice.

It could be prayer, meditation, coloring, listening to music, etc. Whatever feels good to your soul, do it. Incorporate that into your day. I find solace everything I listed. I love to pray. I love to meditate. Coloring relaxes me and allows me to channel my energy and emotions into transforming something from black and white to vivid colors. It’s a mood changer for me. Music is EVERYTHING to me, so that is ALWAYS in order, whether I’m having a wonderful day or a terrible day. If none of these things resonate with you, that’s fine. You’re an individual. Do what feels good to you and what works best for you. Just make sure that you do something to keep yourself centered and grounded. Go outside and get some fresh air. Put your bare feet in the ground and connect with Mother Earth. Do whatever you need to do. I won’t judge you, and don’t worry about anyone who does. You what you need to do for YOU — YOU are the one having this experience. Just don’t hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. 🙂

Number Five: Check in with your support system. If you don’t have a support system yet, feel free to check in with me.

Please don’t isolate yourself. I’m not saying that you have to spend your whole day around people. I’m not saying that you have to spend ANY of your day around people. You may very well want to be alone and reflect, meditate, have fun or whatever you decide to do. I’m not knocking that. However, please understand that there is a difference in choosing to be alone and isolating yourself. When you isolate yourself, you shut everyone out and you make it impossible to reach you. Although sometimes isolation is necessary, it often works against us when we are going through grief. Be very careful about that. We should never isolate ourselves unless it’s to intentionally focus on receiving clarity or bettering ourselves. It’s not good to shut people out just because we are upset about what is going on in our lives — especially when those people are trying to help us. Even if you feel the need (or desire) to be totally alone, be sure to let your support system know so that they can at least check on you throughout the day. Allow those who are concerned about you to show you their love and concern. That will help with your healing process.

I hope this helps! As I stated, if you have anything to add, feel free to do so in the comments. 🙂

Be Lifted,

Na’Kole

P.S. –> If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, be sure to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by clicking here or calling 1–800–273–8255. The lifeline is open 24/7, so don’t hesitate to reach out.

P.P.S. –> Here are those additional resources I promised you:

COPE (Connecting Our Paths Eternally): A non-profit grief and healing organization dedicated to helping parents and families living with the loss of a child

WebMD: The Stages of Grief

The National Alliance for Grieving Children: Support and resources

I honestly don’t know what to say to you. You’re 50% responsible for my existence, and I don’t even know your name. I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know where you are… I don’t even know if you’re still alive. I don’t even know if you know you have a daughter.

Before we (or I) go any further, please allow me to introduce myself. I’m Na’Kole. I have been on this planet for thirty-two years… without you. You missed the moment when I opened my eyes for the first time. You weren’t there when I learned to crawl. You didn’t see me take my first steps. You weren’t there to catch me before I took my first fall. You didn’t kiss my “boo-boos” when I scraped my knees time after time after time… You didn’t hear me sing at my eighth grade graduation after I took my teachers and administrators through hell partly because I didn’t understand why you weren’t around… You didn’t see me walk across the stage… You weren’t there when I got my first car… You didn’t get to witness me preach my first sermon… Nothing. I have NEVER seen you. I’m your daughter. I’m your flesh and blood. I came from you. Who you are is who I AM. Yet… I don’t even know your name.

Let me tell you how my life has been. Honestly, I didn’t even know that everyone on this planet has a father until I was nine years old and my neighbor said to me, “I know who your daddy is” and I said to her, “I don’t have a daddy.” She said to me, “EVERYBODY has a daddy. Everybody has a mother and everybody has a father.” Until then, I thought that some people had moms and dads, some people just had moms, and some people just had dads. I knew that EVERYBODY had to have a grandma, because grandmas are just awesome.

Imagine how I felt when I got this news in one of the most inconsiderate manners possible. Imagine how I felt realizing that there was someone out there who was a part of me… a part of me that I may never know. I remember walking to the library after school the next day. I’m sure you know that I grew up in a small town, so walking wasn’t a major danger when I was growing up. I remember going through all of the encyclopedias and seeing how it all worked. I remember reading about sex and not really understanding it but realizing that it was true that I did have a father. I won’t get into the other stuff that was going on, because this letter is about how I feel about you. I remember feeling confused and not understanding why I had never met you and why it seemed that you didn’t care a thing at all about me. At first, it didn’t really matter, but the older I got, the more I thought about it.

I remember being twelve years old and contemplating suicide because I felt like I would never be a “whole person” because I didn’t know you. I felt like half of me was missing and that I’d never really amount to anything because they say you have to know where you come from to know where you’re going. At times, I wished that I could have stayed under the illusion that had me thinking that I was just one of those special kids who didn’t need a dad and only needed her grandmother and her mother and other family and friends. However, I as I matured, I realized that in order to grow, illusions must be shattered… one by one.

It was tough realizing that you existed somewhere… It was hard coming to grips with the fact that you didn’t move heaven and earth to try to find me. Did I not matter to you? Did you not value the fact that I AM here in this world? How did you just go on with your life without me? I asked you these questions for the majority of my teenage years, but of course you never heard them, because you weren’t there. Ever. Not for a single day. Sometimes I hated you because I felt like you should have come looking for me. Sometimes I was sad because I felt like I would never be complete because I’d never know who I really am. Sometimes I just didn’t know how to feel… and sometimes I wanted to just end it all because it was too much to think about. I was constantly flooded with emotions — day in and day out.

I’m telling you this because you need to know. You need to know how I felt. You need to know that I AM here and that this is what I have endured.

It’s hard living in a world and feeling incomplete. It’s hard watching everyone else with their dads and NEVER having one. The majority of my friends are daddy’s girls. There I was… with no dad. No trace of a dad. No concept of a dad. Nothing. I didn’t even have a granddad. Nothing. And the one father figure I almost had, I couldn’t even really maximize that because people acted like I was trying to sleep with him. That was never the case. I just wanted to know what it was like to have a dad. People can really lack compassion at times… but I guess it’s easier to accuse than it is to ask. To this day, the reason that I won’t get married is because I’ve never had the experience of living with a man… and because there is a whole entire section of who I AM (in the physical) that I don’t know. I don’t know what traits I carry. I don’t know what “runs in my family”. I don’t know ANY of that. To this day, I will not bring a child into the world because I don’t know what I may be passing on to him/her. Although I have faith to believe that God is able to purify our bloodline, I also understand the psychological effects that not having you around has had on me.

Growing up, I made SURE that I didn’t fall into the traps that a lot of girls who didn’t have their fathers fell into. I made sure to never get pregnant. I made sure to never go to clubs. I made sure to never do drugs. I didn’t take my first sip of alcohol until I was well over 25. I made sure to not get any STDs. I was not promiscuous. AT ALL. I didn’t go from man to man looking for love in a sexual way. I didn’t do any of that — because I didn’t want your absence to be the pen that wrote my story. I didn’t want that for myself at all.

Now I’m sure that this would be a good time to really go in on you and say some hurtful things… This would probably be a perfect moment to unleash all of the words that most women in my position would love to say, but I’m going to tell you how I REALLY feel.

You are the man who was responsible for helping me to get to this physical plane. You are the man who was responsible for ensuring that I manifested here in the flesh when I did. That was your role in my life. For that, I thank you. I appreciate you for helping to create the life force known as Na’Kole. Maybe that was your only job. Maybe that was all that the Most High wanted you to do for me. I don’t know. Only the Most High and you can answer that.

I had an amazing childhood being raised by my grandmother and my mother. I missed a lot, but God still made sure that I was covered. Though I don’t confine God to a gender (because the God who made genders can’t be confined to the genders that God made)… I can still say that God was a Father to me. God taught me how to change the tires on my car. I got a flat tire on my way to school and I got out of the car and said, “Now God, You’re gonna have to help me with this because I don’t want anybody trying to kidnap me out here.” God taught me how to be tough. God taught me how to hold my own with the boys in my neighborhood. God filled all of the voids that were in my life because you weren’t there. I love my grandmother and my mother, but no woman can be to you what a man is supposed to be. If there isn’t a man there, only God can step in… and only God did that.

Therefore, I can honestly say that today, I don’t have any malice in my heart toward you. None of my thoughts toward you are evil. All of them are good. You are the man who had 50% of the honor of bringing someone into the world who wakes up every day and allows the Most High to use her to change lives all over the world. Thank you. You are a big part of the reason that #NotOnMyWatch™ (my suicide prevention, anti-bullying and social advocacy organization) exists. I was able to come to this physical plane and go through the suffering that birthed my organization and my first published book because you helped to bring me here. Thank you.

To the pure, ALL THINGS are pure. I don’t have a single ounce of unforgiveness for you in my heart. All I have is love and gratitude. That’s it. I don’t understand it all, but my understanding is not required. The only thing I owe you or anyone else in my story is love — and that’s all I have to give you. Now and always. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing about my life, because I believe that everything that has happened was necessary. It had to be just like it was and is so that I could exist as who I AM.

I’m writing this to you, but I’m not writing it for you. I’m writing it for every young girl who has to grow up not knowing her father. I’m writing it because someone has to be a voice that lets them know that they don’t have to do what society expects them to do. They don’t have to play into those predictions. I’m writing this for every little girl who thinks she is incomplete without the knowledge of her dad, because I know what that feels like. I’m writing to shatter that illusion. I’m writing this because as the woman in me speaks for the little girl in me in writing to you, other women and little girls will be able to do the same. See? You helped to bring me here for all of us. Thank you.

I may not ever get to meet you. You may not even still be around. I don’t know. I’ll NEVER ask. Ever. I just wanted to be able to free myself from everything I have ever felt, because I have work to do. If you ever get to read this, thank you for taking the time to do so. I love you with all of who I AM… because I’m you. You’re me. ♥ I’m not mad at you. ♥