What a year.
I literally have no other words to describe the rollercoaster that has been 2020. More than anything, I AM super grateful that I survived to tell this wonderful, beautiful story. I didn’t think that would be the case initially.
I’m going to try to be as concise as possible because honey, it would take a whole year to truly recap what has happened this year. If you need clarity, insight or tea on anything mentioned, feel free to reach out!
Here we go!
Going into 2020:
I started struggling really bad with my monthly cycles in September. “Bad” as in being about to pass out with every cycle. In November, I started taking birth control to curb the bleeding. It made the bleeding worse. “Worse” as in I bled two-three times as much. I was told that this was normal. An increase in bleeding is normal. The amount of blood I was losing was not normal.
December grew worse. I started getting weaker and weaker. I was in a relationship with a toxic, narcissistic and abusive person – and that relationship was literally killing me.
I set my intention that my word for 2020 would be BOUNDARIES. That word saved my life. I mean this literally.
I’m going to give you a few highlights from each quarter of 2020, and then I’m going to talk to you about what is changing in my life and business moving forward.
Q1: January, February, March
- Went to emergency room – septic shock.
- Diagnosed with sepsis and a fibroid that was dying and poisoning me.
- Needed down payment for surgery, did not have it.
- Due to the severity of my situation, my doctor and my surgeon decided to schedule the surgery and waive the down payment. Grace.
- I bled from November 20th to March 8th (the day before my surgery). ALL. DAY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
- Had surgery. Major surgery removing fibroids, my uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix and part of my colon.
- Six-day hospital stay. I went in on a Monday and the world was one way; I came out on a Saturday and the world had changed. Toilet paper gone. People in a frenzy. I had no idea how to process what was happening because it all happened while I was secluded in a hospital room.
- I had to quarantine for two weeks. When I came out of quarantine, the stay at home orders began.
- I finished up The Ultimate Suicide Prevention Guide from my hospital bed. It is and will remain my pride and joy for this reason. If you don’t have it, you definitely need it. I can’t think of a person in the world who does not need it. Seriously.
Q2: April, May, June
- I officially released The Ultimate Suicide Prevention Guide.
- I escaped from the toxic relationship mentioned above. I did not escape from the person, but I did break the person’s hold over me. Sometimes you can set a boundary that keeps you safe without having to remove the person from your life. Other times, you need to get rid of the person completely. Trust your intuition when it comes to this. It won’t lead you wrong.
- I began to enjoy my new life that was free of almost bleeding to death every month.
- I started reclaiming my power and exploring who I wanted to be post-COVID.
- I started to see how much the trauma of the abusive relationship (and all the previous abusive relationships) had caused me and decided to enter trauma therapy. Such a great decision.
Q3: July, August, September
- Took the time to grieve 2020. Realized that I would not be able to have the birthday celebration that I wanted. Grieved the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see loved ones as much (if at all) during the holidays. Grieved the fact that I would more than likely be in the house all winter with limited physical interaction. Grieved it all in advance so that I wouldn’t be sad and depressed around special times in my life.
- Reconnected with someone who is now my absolute best friend (besides BoomBoom of course lol). She has helped me get through so many things. She held space for me to grieve, to be angry, to be confused, to make mistakes and to have questions. She supported me and became the anchor I needed to keep me from drifting away and getting lost in and ultimately consumed by the storm I had to sit through in order to pick back up and travel to the shores of my next place in life. I will always love her for that!
- I learned a lot of lessons about myself. I learned how messed up my life had become – and I learned how messed up my heart had become. I put a plan in place to pull myself together.
- My mentor passed away. Cici, The Six Figure Chick. She had gone into the hospital at the beginning of August. She bought us coffee at the beginning of the week. Checked on us at the end of the week. Died at the end of the week. Crushed me.
- Celebrating my birthday!!! 36 years of me! I had one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time. I got to get away and fly the friendly skies (on Delta Airlines, with the middle seat blocked and the plane at half capacity). My birthday was a sacred time that will always live privately in my heart. It was so amazing, and it really changed me for the better.
Q4: October, November, December
- Made some painful decisions.
- I decided to let go of pretty much everything that was connected to my grandma being gone (My grandma passed away on 12/15/2010). I had formed so many relationships around that loss – relationships that were really trauma bonds or instances of me subconsciously seeking to be abused because that was all I thought I deserved. I decided to let it all go.
- I decided to move out of North Carolina to a different place than originally planned. (I was supposed to move to Florida in Q2… but the RoRo among other things canceled all of that because honey… whew)
- I decided to live my life specifically and exclusively for me.
- I decided to no longer offer free services. Since slavery (and maybe even before), the world has canibalized the labor of Black women. We are expected to fix everyone and everything and hardly ever does anyone reach back to even buy us a cup of coffee and some cushions to put in our shoes. I’m through living that life. I have a whole IG post about this, so be sure to read it if you want to know more about what I mean.
- I joined Clubhouse and it immediately changed my life and broadened my horizons. Like, immediately.
- I made it, y’all! I made it.
My top three lessons of 2020:
- One thing I have realized about people, and especially those who are strongly affiliated with religious institutions and political parties, is that a lot of these people aren’t friends with YOU. They don’t love YOU. They love your participation in their thing. They love your assimilation to their people group.
They don’t love you.
That’s why it’s so easy for them to walk away from you when you don’t believe like them, act like them or talk like them.
In 2020, I have learned that true love doesn’t abandon people who are in its care. True love doesn’t reject people who seek to see life from a lens other than the one they were given in their youth. True love makes room for questions, doubts and differences of opinion (on things other than the humanity of marginalized people).
I have learned that a lot of people who claimed to love me really didn’t love ME at all. And I can prove it by telling you that after they completely abandoned me, “reconciliation” only came when I stepped back into their world and apologized for stepping out of it.
That ain’t love.
- When something has served its purpose, let it go. There doesn’t have to be an upset. You don’t have to come up with a story to make yourself feel better about it. It doesn’t have to be anything bad. It doesn’t have to be that someone else “isn’t qualified to go where you are going”. It can literally just be that the thing has served its purpose and completed its assignment in your life. It has done all it came to do. Just let it go.
- Abusers are abusers. It’s okay to call them abusers. It’s okay to name their actions as abuse. You don’t have to cover up the word “abuse” with “lost his/her/their temper” or “could have done better” or “made a bad decision” or “hurt my feelings”. It is okay to say “You abused me” or “You were abusive to me” or “I refuse to allow you to continue to abuse me”. Failure to do so could cost you more than what you’re willing to pay. It is okay to do like Iyanla says and “call a thing a thing”.
What I’m releasing/letting go
- The need to maintain relationships that no longer serve me for the sake of having “long-time friends”. I’ll pass. I accept the fact that not all friends are meant to walk with me through my whole life. I have and feel no guilt around that.
- The fences I built around myself to keep myself safe. Because I feel safe within myself, I no longer have to barricade myself within my own mind and keep myself from pursuing opportunities because of the fear of rejection. I recognize that I have deprived myself from a lot of things because I felt like deprivation was all I deserved. I no longer feel that way.
- My previous business model. Next year, I’m focusing on consulting, joint ventures, courses and digital products.
- Anything that doesn’t serve me. And by anything, I mean ANYthing. Friends, relationships, housing situations, whatever it is. If it doesn’t serve my highest good, I release it so that it may go serve another purpose in another place.
What I’m calling forth/embracing
- ME. I’m calling forth the person I was destined to be. I’m embracing who I AM. I’m embracing the goodness I possess. I’m embracing my brilliance. My worth. My power.
- MONEY! I’m charging all the money for all the things I do. No explanation needed. I almost went into a whole paragraph but Walmart doesn’t explain why they charge what they charge, and neither will I! Just know I’m calling forth and embracing these good coins, bills, cryptocurrency and everything else that is money!
- New opportunities. I’m calling forth new opportunities every day. New opportunities to make an impact. New opportunities to be seen and heard by those who need to see and hear my message. New opportunities to build new things that will work for the highest good of myself and my community.
My word for 2021: BETTER
I was doing some reading, and I happened to come across a scripture in the Book of Ezekiel. Ezekiel has always been my favorite prophet. Always. I even named my first houseplant after him.
I’ll let you read it to get the full tea of what was going on, but here’s what Ezekiel wrote down after hearing from God:
“Prophesy therefore concerning the land of Israel, and say unto the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys, Thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I have spoken in my jealousy and in my fury, because ye have borne the shame of the heathen: 7 Therefore thus saith the Lord God; I have lifted up mine hand, Surely the heathen that are about you, they shall bear their shame. 8 But ye, O mountains of Israel, ye shall shoot forth your branches, and yield your fruit to my people of Israel; for they are at hand to come. 9 For, behold, I am for you, and I will turn unto you, and ye shall be tilled and sown: 10 And I will multiply men upon you, all the house of Israel, even all of it: and the cities shall be inhabited, and the wastes shall be builded: 11 And I will multiply upon you man and beast; and they shall increase and bring fruit: and I will settle you after your old estates, and will do better unto you than at your beginnings: and ye shall know that I am the Lord.”
Listen. That hit a place in me that hasn’t been hit in a long time. God literally said to Ezekiel, “Tell those people that I’m going to do BETTER to them. That’s how they’ll know that I’m God. Cuz I’m gonna do BETTER.” Not “I’m going to send better” or “I’m gonna touch someone’s heart and allow them to do better to you than the last person did”. Nope. Skip all of that. I, GOD, WILL DO BETTER TO YOU THAN WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO YOU AT YOUR BEGINNING. Before the abuse. Before the shame. Before the worms and parasites came and ate up your stuff. I’m gonna do BETTER. Personally.
Let’s look at some other translations because I know we need more than the King James Version to really drive this home.
The Message breaks it down like this:
“Therefore prophesy over the land of Israel, preach to the mountains and hills, to every ditch and valley: ‘The Message of God, the Master: Look! Listen! I’m angry—and I care. I’m speaking to you because you’ve been humiliated among the nations. Therefore I, God, the Master, am telling you that I’ve solemnly sworn that the nations around you are next. It’s their turn to be humiliated. 8-12 “‘But you, Mountains of Israel, will burst with new growth, putting out branches and bearing fruit for my people Israel. My people are coming home! Do you see? I’m back again. I’m on your side. You’ll be plowed and planted as before! I’ll see to it that your population grows all over Israel, that the towns fill up with people, that the ruins are rebuilt. I’ll make this place teem with life—human and animal. The country will burst into life, life, and more life, your towns and villages full of people just as in the old days. I’ll treat you better than I ever have. And you’ll realize that I am God.
Okay, now let’s look at the specific verse I’m decreeing over my year, Ezekiel 36:11.
English Standard Version: “And I will multiply on you man and beast, and they shall multiply and be fruitful. And I will cause you to be inhabited as in your former times, and will do more good to you than ever before. Then you will know that I am the Lord.”
The Amplified Bible: “I will multiply on you man and animal; and they will increase and be fruitful. And I will cause you to be inhabited as you were formerly, and I will do better [things] for you than at your beginning. Then you will know [with great confidence] that I am the Lord.”
So what does this mean for me??? It means that:
- I’m going to have more clients/customers than I’ve ever had because God is going to multiply them.
- I’m going to have even more clients/customers than those customers because those customers are going to be fruitful and refer other clients/customers to me.
- My sales pipelines will all be full.
- My courses and programs will be full and fruitful.
- I will have a community of people as I did previously (before the abuse).
- God is going to do better to me than God has ever done before.
- My life is going to be better.
- My health is going to be better.
- My eating habits are going to be better.
- My relationships are going to be better.
- My exercise regimen is going to be better.
- My living conditions are going to be better.
- The car I drive is going to be better.
- My confidence is going to be better.
- My speaking will be better.
- My business strategy will be better.
- The way I serve customers and clients will be better.
- EVERYTHING about ME will be BETTER!
It’s BETTER for me!
And guess what, I’m believing for BETTER for you, too! I ain’t trying to be the only one out here with better!
What are you speaking over your 2021? What do you want to see? Now is the time to go ahead and set it in motion. Now is the time to speak what you wish to see and EXPECT it to happen BETTER than what you could have ever envisioned.
Don’t let what didn’t happen in 2020 keep you from what could absolutely happen in 2021. Expect better.