2021 Letter to Bestie

I really can’t shake it. Because in my mind, if you wouldn’t tell me about some text messages because you “knew it wouldn’t go over well”, how can I trust that you will tell me about something that would really upset me? You literally talk to me every single day. You said this person has been texting you since around Christmas. You said absolutely nothing to me. So how can I trust that you would tell me something really bad (like you sleeping with someone, someone coming on to you, you having a love interest, etc.) when you, by your own admission, didn’t share this woman’s advances with me because you “knew it wouldn’t go over well”?

And this is what makes me feel like we are not in the same place. I really feel like you got the thrill of our love and experience and now you’ve moved back over into your life. That’s honestly how I feel. 

I have so many emotions and feelings around this topic. Too many to get into here. But what I will say is this: One thing that bothers me the most is that you gave yourself to someone who had ill intentions towards you… but you withhold yourself from someone who is here to help with your healing. That doesn’t make sense to me. Especially when I sat on the phone and heard you cry about how you understand what sex between women does. It’s mindblowing that you are intentionally withholding yourself from me for that reason and for this reason: The whole purpose of the intimacy in our relationship is healing for us. For you and for me. You have been able to extract an experience that helped to heal you… but you left me in the trenches (in that sense) to work out my healing on my own. That will never be fair or right in my eyes. It feels like you knew all along that you would never give yourself to me, you just acted like it was a possibility because you wanted what you wanted. Remember, you told me that initially, your intention was to get what you wanted from me and then let me fall by the wayside. I don’t think you counted on us developing such a bond… but I don’t ever think you had any intentions of giving yourself to me.